How college is killing me, and I'm not even there yet.

How do you explain this? I am not even at college yet, and I'm already thoroughly stressed out. I've had the most trouble trying to do anything college related. I filled out my own fafsa, having no help whatsoever from the ones who produced me. I don't know how something so ridiculously easy could be so complicated. So it asks for an amount, it gives exactly where you can find the answer.. and yet.. Something goes wrong. Everything is so secure, you have to sign electronically with these passwords they give you, because so many worthless hell-bent souls just have to steal identities. No matter how right you think you are about an amount, it always turns out your forgot something..

I know I'm probably just complaining over nothing, but I am so stressed out! Every small thing sets me off, and I'm ready to bite out some jugulars. Too bad I'm not just wealthy, and could afford to pay for college without worrying about all of this fafsa stuff. I'm not, however, so I have to. My parents also work pretty much all day, so I have to do all of this stuff. Yay, the real world! Oh, this is the experience of my life and I'm such a better person now, so why am I complaining? Because it still sucks, it sucks a lot. It is almost as if the colleges I would like to go to all put on their steel-tipped boots for this, and said simultaneously "How 'bout we take this boot and shove it up Laura's unfortunate ass", and they did. Oh, they did. 40,000 a year???? What?!?!? Oh, my bad.. 42,000 a year. Yeah, freaking right.

Of course the fun doesn't end with financial aid forms. It goes on with the scholarship fun. Oh, they aren't that bad, the essay topics are all fairly simple. It's just the idea of who I'm competing with here. I'm 9th in my class, but what good is this going to do me when I'm competing with kids who have 4.0's and 30 somethings on their act's? I'm going to try to be civil as possible and not put down any people because I swear to all gods that I have nothing against these kids. They all worked hard, they've all earned their grades, and they are all very intelligent. I know this. I am in no way putting them down. I just have a feeling I'm going to get screwed out of scholarships to people who probably don't need them as much as I do. I'd rather not put my financial situation on such a public site, so I won't. I'll just put it as the situation is not good, at all. I'll end up paying for all of my post-high school education and probably be in debt well into my 40's because of it.

There is always the light at the end of the tunnel... I'm almost finished with all of my financial aid forms. I have basically decided on the cheapest college because I am a realist. I realize that Marietta may not be the best college, and that I'd probably be better off at Denison or Miami even Case.. But 40,000 a year? I don't have that kind of money and Marietta is offering to pay for a lot of my tuition, so that is where I will go.

I can't wait until this period of my life is over, this period of endless pessimism and depression. I know my parents didn't want to put me in this situation, so I'll get on. I just can't wait until its over and I'm at that period in my life everybody tells me about when I say I want something. You know.. when people say, "Oh well when your a surgeon you'll be able to get it.." Of course I realize by the time I'm a surgeon I probably won't want that Full-bred AKC Yorkeshire Terrier puppty anymore.. But at least my kids will be able to have whatever puppy they want, no matter how expensive it is. All because I went through this, and worked my hardest to beat out people who took easy classes all through highschool to earn their high GPA, or quit sports, or had helpful parents that knew calculus and could help out, or didn't need to hold a job to pay for their car, gas, insurance, clothing, and virtually everything else. Somehow, I think I'll be happy later on when I'll be able to be there for my kids.